03.31.03
I hate feeling like I HAVE to write. But hey, it’s the three-year-and-two-day anniversary of this site, so I really do have to. I mean, I’ve done it every year since I started this damn thing, so there’s a precedent. But anyway, it’s ten thirty-ish on a Monday night, and I’d honestly rather be sleeping. Still, I feel obligated. And I hate that I’ve been so busy dealing with other shit that writing has become an obligation. I have to write in So There…I used to be thrilled to chronicle my life. I guess that’s just one way I’ve changed in the last year. (And two days.)
The reason for the two-day delay? I set my timeline by Chris. She died three years ago today; I started the journal the last night I spoke to her. So pardon the lag and I’ll try to get everything out before I fall asleep.
I’m certainly not going to talk about everything that’s happened since I last updated, because that belongs more in Softspoken Lies than anything else. And I guess that’s another reason I didn’t want to write…I don’t want to put down what’s been going on. That makes it final. And it IS final, and I’m not fine with that, but I don’t have a choice. But fuck if I’m going to be silent about it after last weekend.
But let’s back up. School’s been hellish, but I’m a second-semester Senior so I don’t really care. I got into Trinity and Guilford, got into American for Spring ’04 semester, and got waitlisted at Tech, Reed, Lewis & Clark, and Davidson. I’m still waiting on Wake, but I’m not hopeful. Trinity and Wake are my top two choices, but I’ll probably end up at Trinity. With Lauri, which would be fun. I need to visit there in the near future. Same with American.
All that said, I’ve also redefined my group of friends. I’d been getting progressively more and more pissed off at the J-room crowd because they’re loud, immature, and I’ve got enough personal gripes against them that I sort of stopped even trying to put on a happy face. So I followed Spoon into the library one day and discovered an entire new group of incredible people who I’ve been spending entirely too much time with lately.
I’ve always loved ice hockey, and my Dad raised me to be as much of a Rangers fan as he could without following the sport too closely. I’ll watch games when they’re on, just because I love the sport, and would have talked it with anyone had they shown an interest; it wasn’t until I started hanging out with these new guys that there was any interest. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been next door at Sam’s in the past few weeks watching a Rangers game and cheering and/or swearing along with everyone else. ‘Everyone’ in this case varies from day to day, but generally includes Sam, Sam’s very-cool parents, his younger sister and brother, Spoon, Patrick, James, Drew, Chris, Collins, and anyone else we can pick up along the way. A whole bunch of other people come and go, but those are the main ones. And they’re hilarious, sarcastic, fun people that I really regret not meeting earlier. They were literally next door all along, and I never even thought about it. Damn that.
And then some shit went down with boys that I don’t really want to get into, except to say that I cried a great deal and am still hurting, but I suppose I’ll get over it…or I’ll go to college. I’ve given up trusting people for a while, because I let my guard down and trusted too fast too soon. If you want the details, ask me and I’ll probably tell you…I’m told it does make a great story.
So I’m sound designing the Spring Show because of All-State…I can’t tech it because I’m not going to be here for the last two shows. That’s kind of a bummer…I mean, I HAVE been heavily involved in the theatre program for the last four years; this will be the first show I’ve missed. Forced to choose between my two loves: singing and theatre? Unfair. But the new carpenter (who replaced Julie when she moved down to the office) is amazingly cool, likes to quack and shadow box, and I hope we keep him. Not that it’ll matter…unless I come back for crew next year. Ha. (I say that now…I’m sure I will.)
Um. Sweet 16 was an adventure due to the afore-mentioned scenario. I went with Jordan and had a blast, even though I ended up sobbing on the way home. It wasn’t his fault…it wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. I just came to a realization that I can be – and had been – a terrible person. You know how hard it is to deal with the realization that the pain you’re feeling you’ve dealt to someone you care about? It’s awful. And I’m so sorry…I’m just terrible at showing it.
I feel like I should be able to fill more than a page and a half with my exploits of the last month. Lessee…I didn’t really give a damn about the April Fool’s edition of the Match…it comes out tomorrow, and if it sucks, I had nothing to do with it; if it’s awesome, I can enjoy it.
Oh! I went to London for Spring Break. I wrote a 20-page letter while I was there, transcribed the relevant parts, and will have that and pictures up shortly, I promise. (Yeah, my promises aren’t worth shit. Ah well.) It was interesting…I laughed a lot, but I missed home and my friends and didn’t like very much being around people that I’d never met and would [thankfully] never see again.
Last week was amazingly long, but on Friday, as I was pulling out of the parking lot, I checked my phone and noticed that I had a voicemail. I’d missed a call from the 540 area code, which is Tech…I figured it was either Lee or Sno, since they were both supposed to be in town, or, long shot, Jeff, calling to say hi. Apparently it WAS Jeff, who was in town for the night and needed a chauffer. When I heard his voice I slammed on the brakes and tried not to cheer too loudly…Carter was with me and giggled a lot. So I went to pick up my paycheck, wandered around Pony Pasture for a bit, just ‘cuz I’d never been there and had some time to kill, and then went to pick up Jeff. I played dutiful driver for a while, tried to get us killed once or twice, then brought him back here to clean out Dammit’s cage before we went to dinner at Kim’s. I don’t know what possessed the girl to cook dinner for a dozen people, but it was quite good. One of the funny things, though, was that when I introduced Jeff, everyone sorta looked at him and made a point to raise their eyebrows at me and ask, discreetly, ‘is that the Jeff?’ I’d sort of forgotten how much I’d talked about him…although I’m sure I’ve talked about Rob and Ned and Trip just as much. Seeing Jeff that night was a breath of summer. I can’t wait for this school shit to be over and I can be back with my family from the summer…my big brothers and friends and coworkers who go through the same chaos I do all day and then still want to hang out with me at night. I love those guys, I love camp, and I can’t WAIT for it to start.
Which is nice, because it starts rather soon. I’m doing my Senior Project (pending approval…) with Tobin, working to get everything in running order. Basically I’m doing Pre-Passages stuff to get my ass out of school for the few weeks after APs. That’ll be fun.
Anyway, on Friday, after dinner, we went to an a cappella concert at U of R, which was okay…I was expecting better, but the groups were all good. I also laughed riotously at Patrick’s joke about blue balls and at Carter’s interpretation of ‘Like a Prayer.’ Following, we returned to my house to watch Event Horizon, which might be one of the most disturbing movies on the market. It’s creepy, although I think I was less disturbed than any of the boys – Reid, Jeff, Patrick, or Spoon – which I found amusing. However, after dropping Jeff off at Claire’s, I was semi-convinced there was a helldemon in my backseat. (If there was, I’ve not seen him yet…)
What else? Oh yeah! I cut my hair. Like, ten + inches…I didn’t measure how much. It’s super-short, and I LOVE it. I can wash it in thirty seconds, haven’t had to brush it in a week…I play with it all the time, partially ‘cuz it’s new and it’s short and it’s there…mainly ‘cuz it’s fun. I had people telling me at work yesterday that they didn’t recognize me. I like. It’s kinda like shedding my winter coat for the summer…’cept it’s the winter coat I’ve had for ten years. I also got my ears double-pierced, and was proud that I didn’t pass out like I have an annoying habit of doing. But no one’s really noticed that, who cares? I like my hair.
We had States, too. Unfortunately, we didn’t do as well as we’d hoped. A school from up north – Bishop Ireton – showed up for the first time and took second. Madeira won, damn them, and we got third. Not that third in the State is anything to be embarrassed about, but we might have won…whatever. My relay got fifth, which was nice. Oh, and James and Jon and Carter and Reid showed up. THAT was a nice feeling…that they came all the way to Charlottesville (not THAT far, but it was a Saturday…) to let me know they cared. Or to let other people there know they cared; whatever. It was awesome, and made me really, really happy. (For a week or so. Whatever.)
I’ve been working a bit, but not as much as I should be since I’m going to be a poor college student in a few weeks. Yesterday I agreed to cover a shift for Robert, which would have been fine had it not been the day from HELL. Around one, a group day pass of 25 showed up…followed closely by a group day pass of fifty. That’s seventy-five crotch-height little people, coupled with the NORMAL gym traffic, and I worked a party with three of the most obnoxious kids on the planet. And it was snowing. In MARCH. I got up around 8, did some Bio, looked outside, said ‘damn, it’s cold…and raining, too.’ Went to breakfast with Patrick, came back, went to leave for work, said ‘hey, this rain feels like…holy shit, it’s hailing.’ By the time I got to work my sunglasses were forgotten and I asked myself ‘Is that snow??’ It was. It snowed for the better part of the day, which was just odd. We were sort of banking on the idea that no one would want to go out in that scary-ass weather…but they did. And they came, in droves. It was scary for a while there. And Robert owes me BIG.
I HATE when people sign offline without saying goodbye. It’s just rude. It pisses me off. If James hadn’t just done it, I’d lay into him about it. Oh well; I’ve got plenty to lay into him about tomorrow, anyway, provided he doesn’t avoid me like he probably should. That’s not really a threat…more a statement of fact.
I’m out in five months. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationships I have while I’m here; I can forget the ones I want to in five months. I want to make the ones that I value count…hence harassing James tomorrow…he counts. But I’m not going to stress myself out appeasing anyone anymore. You get me, and if you don’t like me, fuck off. I like that attitude.
That’s the attitude I took today. Every day on this day for the last two years, I’ve been so out-of-character that it pisses people off a ton. I warned everyone this year, though…’don’t mind me, tell me to fuck off if you need to, and I apologize in advance.’ No one got pissed…either it has to do with the fact that I’m getting better – it does hurt less with time – or that I’m hanging out with a group of people who didn’t notice that I wasn’t myself. I noticed it…it was bothering me all day. I felt off…that feeling I talk about sometimes when I feel like everything is happening several seconds ahead of my perception. I think we talked about that in Bio, but I didn’t know because I was busy taking my test that was due today. I’m behind in Bio, but what the hell do I care, I’m in college!
Oh, and I started climbing again. I hurt like hell for a few days, but I’m already flashing nines, which, for taking three months off, isn’t bad. I want to be back where I was by the end of school (revised from the end of the month) and we’ll see when I can get on twelves.
So what were my goals from last year? I don’t have a book out…I’ve been too stressed to write lately. I don’t have a boyfriend, though not for lack of trying. My parents are getting better, just because I think they realize that they won’t be able to control me for much longer. The whole band thing fell through, and I’m not even climbing tens right now. So that’s four and a half strikes against me. But whatever.
I’m almost done with high school. I’ve made some amazing friends recently, and I hope to keep in contact with them even after this nightmare is over. I’ve got Passages coming up REAL soon. I’m in college, even if I’m the only one of my friends not sure of where I’m going. I’ve been hurt lots in the last year, but I’ve laughed more than I’ve cried. I’ve hugged more than I’ve regretted, and I even had a date or two. I may not be thrilled with everything that’s happened in the last twelve months…or in the last three years…but you can’t win ‘em all. And I’ll always miss Chris, and I’ll always love her, and I’ll always have something to cry about, and I’ll always have something to smile about. And I’ll always have friends and I’ll always have something to look forward to, and I’ll always have someone to love, and I’ll always have my words. Because as I told Patrick a few nights ago, though my tears, when I’ve lost my words, I’ve got nothing left.