02.07.03
I’m rather distressed by some stuff I heard tonight. Like, nearly-crying-in-Gelati-Celesti angry…and not just over the fact that Punchline is no longer being printed and the cute boy who works there has a girlfriend.
Yeah, it sucks that the mag is currently out of print. And it sucks that I apparently won’t be able to do my Senior Project with them. And it sucks that Jared, who I’ve been not-really-stalking since my birthday, has a girl. Whatever. It’s not like I’d’ve ever gotten up the balls to ask him out anyway.
What’s really making me upset isn’t something that I’m going to publicize on my journal, because I know people read this, and it’s about people who do read it. Or at least, they used to. And any personal issues I have need to be sorted out face-to-face, not over the Internet. That’s cowardly.
But do I want to sort this issue out? I’m not sure. A face-to-face, at-least-one-person-will-end-up-crying-and-it-will-probably-be-me confrontation is not something I want to look forward to. Or something I want to look back at. I’ll graduate in four months, regardless of whether or not I’ve had the same friends for all thirteen of my years at Collegiate. And honestly, this friendship – great while it lasted – has run its course. I’m just…another person. Someone who is cared about no more or less than anyone who can provide affection and attention. And I served that role well and for a damn long time.
But. I guess what made me the most upset was the total lack of regard for human life. When you know someone isn’t stable, you do not do anything to upset them. When people I have known to be depressed are hurting, you don’t hurt them more. You hold them until it passes. Even if you don’t want to be the person they want you to be, you don’t tell them that. You are everything they need you to be, because that’s what humanity is about. You take care of the people that care about you when they need you. What kind of person will drop the person that cares the most when he needs her the most?
I want to keep this general. Or, at least, away from the matter at hand.
When Chris came to me because she was hurting, I didn’t turn away and pretend like I didn’t see. I didn’t cut off the conversation because I was hurting too much to help her. I may not have done the best job I could have – who knows what would have happened if I had? – but I damn well tried. And either I didn’t try hard enough, or she was beyond my reach. I have no idea…I won’t ever really know.
But to ignore another person – especially one who you have claimed to ‘love’ – when they are hurting the most goes far beyond selfish. It becomes cruel. It becomes a punishment for trusting you, for allowing you to become important. It’s a punishment for loving you. And who deserves to be punished for the most basic – and, perhaps, most sought-after – of human emotions? And who are you to decide whether or not the other is worthy?
It is you who aren’t worthy. You who should be punished. You who deserves the sinking feeling of loneliness and abandonment and everything else that came along with it. You didn’t deserve that love, and you threw it away like it was just another thing you got because you’re perfect. Because you’re just like that.
……
I speak of ‘you’ in a general sense. This is not directed to anyone. Or, if it is, it must also be directed toward me. Because I don’t always deserve the love I’m given. Often, I forsake that love in place of love that I know I’ll never have. Because to wish for love is better – safer – than to have it. To have it means that I must take care of it, and cherish it, and, most frightening of all, perhaps return it. And I’m not ready for that.
……
I finally gave my Senior Speech. It was nerve-wracking, but it’s done. I sang. I sang ‘Anna Begins’ in front of the entire Upper School. And to have people I never really spoke to before tell me I’d done a good job…well, it didn’t matter that Ms. P miffed the piano a bit, or that I was a bit off-key on some parts. Or that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being in the spotlight because I was nervous. I hate admitting my nerves, but what the hell. It was a scary thing, being in front of everyone, watching them watching me, watching them judge me.
Burke seemed sincere when he said he’d enjoyed it. Taylor gave me a hug. I love hugs. I love sincerity. And yeah, I love being told I did a good job. I love being applauded. It was fun.
I went out today with Kim and Carter. I’d intended to see a movie with Spoon this evening, but that fell through. So the three of us sat in Gelati Celesti for a while, talking and laughing and then the bomb fell that precipitated my earlier page of cathartic rambling. And then I came home, talked to Spoon for a bit, read my comics, and decided to do some cathartic writing. And then I decided to talk about my speech, because the last line of my ranting reminded me of the song. So it’s sort of a circle – the snake eating his own tail.
Districts
tomorrow. Hopefully people will
come. Hopefully I’ll make State.
Hopefully…right. More
later.