12.30.01
Okay, so technically it's only the 29th..it's half past midnight, and the only reason I'm listed here as the Eve of New Years' Eve is that my watch's telling me that's what it is. Confused the helloutta me, but we're not going to go into that.
I just reread my entry from LAST December 30, wondering whether or not I'd discussed all the great crap I'd gotten for Christmas. I sorta did. ::shrug:: Cash, for starters, which made me happy...now I can pay off my debts to...well, most all of my IRL friends. BOOKS, which made me happy...a book of Shakespeare's Sonnets, annotated and analyzed, which is absolutely fascinating. And the complete works of that same guy, who is very cool. Was. Whatever. I just tried to take a sweatshirt off over headphones and glasses, and almost ripped my ears off. Owie.
Lesse...gift cards, gift certificates, etc. Enough credit at Peak to get a new pair of shoes when my Miuras finally bite it. Given the pace I've been using 'em, that may be fairly soon. Hell, I've had 'em five months...they're not supposed to last more than six or seven. So they've got a little life left. Over $100 to Barnes & Noble, and some cash at Amazon.com. Rock. So between those three, there's really no other place I'd spend my money. Whee. AND I may have a job soon.
Remember how I said in my last entry (yes, I know it's been a long time. Bite me; I'll get to that next.) Anyway. I said in my last entry that I'd played dodgeball with the higher-ups in the Peak hierarchy? And I may have mentioned sometime before that that I'd submitted my app to them, since I'd like to work there anyway? Well, Scott, the owner, was one of the goofballs up there that night, and he was apparently very impressed with me...he talked to my parents and everything at the bouldering comp (I'll get to that) and said that he wanted to review my app, and was surprised to see that I was only sixteen. That was an ego boost that I really didn't need, but it made me feel good all the same. So Jay says to me that they might be starting up a junior staff program or something like that in a few months...and I'll be one of the first ones they call. Rockin'. Given the fact that I'm going to be seventeen in less than two weeks, that gives me a little more than one foot in the door, eh?
And why do I want to work there so badly? I dunno. I knew they'd hire me, provided I was old enough, I think...I know pretty much everyone that works there, and I like 'em all fair enough. They seem to have fun, and I need to get over my fear of children anyway. I figure working with them in the kind of circumstance where a) I'm doing something I love with 'em and b) I'm getting paid, it'll help me get through my fears a good deal better than, say, babysitting. (I babysat for these two girls down the street a few days ago...sweet girls, but I just couldn't handle running around outside (it's like twenty degrees outside), being flower girl at their wedding, or watching them dance around in Halloween costumes. I wonder how I'd do with boys...I relate to war games much better.) So even tho I got paid, I didn't enjoy much of it, and it wasn't fun.
So what did I say I'd get to? ::checks:: ohyes. Between Pageant (which went off without a hitch), Swimming (which I've been avoiding the past few days because I've got a nasty cold and they've been doing upwards of 4000 metres), Brunch (which rocked, because I got to be rude and sing a fun solo), and Christmas (which was full of family), I've been sitting here just long enough to do my Board stuff before collapsing into sleep in my bed. Thus, I have been busy. No one's come to pester me about not updating, tho, so I'm assuming either no one's reading this, no one gives a damn, or no one's noticed my month-long absence. Either way, I feel about this big. Thanks.
The bouldering comp on the first was really cool...it was quite nifty to see so many good climbers coming out to fly off the walls at my home gym. I didn't place in the top three, which wasn't surprising, because I was competing against some very, very good climbers. Even in the beginner level. It was still a ton of fun, though, and I got to play on the rocks for upwards of three hours. I was exhausted when I was done, but at least I can say that I'm a 'competitive climber', even tho I'm technically not. Any more local comps, tho, and I'm there.
So yeah. Erin's birthday is in ::count:: eleven days. That's the tenth. Feel free to send me an e-greeting or something. I'm gonna be seventeen, guys...and I'm gonna celebrate by...by...um...taking more than one person under the age of 18 that's not an immediate family member to dinner. In my own car. Damn driving laws. I might just go buy myself a ticket to an R movie while I'm at it. That's about the only perk. And I can start counting the days till I'm officially a legal person. Sweet.
I was contemplating this in my OpenDiary the other night (shut up, I'll get to that), and it occurred to me that there's this magazine out there, Seventeen, that we all used to want to read when we were like twelve. Made us feel mature. Now I have absolutely no desire to pick that shallow publication up off the table. I'd much rather read Joel Stien. And if you're my age and don't know who he is, you need to be beaten severely with old copies of Time. Read a real publication, for the love of all things good and holy.
So anyway. OpenDiary. Actually, it's TeenOpenDiary, which I'd normally scoff at, but OpenDiary wasn't accepting new registrants. Hell, I'd normally scoff at the whole concept, but I have enough brain farts during the day at school that I figured a regular, easily accessible forum couldn't hurt. My username is Lapsarian, and the journal is 'This is My World' (until I can think of a better title), and if this was a sensible operation, I'd link you to www.teenopendiary.com/lapsarian. But no, my actual address is something far more sinister. (You can still click on the aforementioned link to get taken to it.)
Blah, blah, blah, what else. I've not seen a whole helluva lot of my friends this break, but I've not been terribly lonely. Just bored. Christmas Eve Taylor and I spent a handful of hours together...we got lunch, hung out here, went back to his house, wrapped presents, and discussed relationships, sex, and God while I shot pool and lounged on his floor, tho not at the same time. I think it's awesome that I have someone like him that I can ramble to, who thinks the same way I do, and who will listen to what I have to say without judging my thoughts on abortion, sex, or whatever. It's very cool...I enjoyed those few hours immensely. The only problem is that I feel like, in order to get an appointment with him, I need to register with him a month in advance, and he has a nasty habit of canceling at the last minute. I'm sure it's just because his head is in the clouds.
Or am I just deluding myself again? I don't trust him because he's male. I don't trust him because nine times out of ten, when we make plans, I walk away feeling screwed. I don't trust him because he seems like such a trustworthy guy. I don't trust him; I don't trust much of anyone right now, just because I've been burned pretty damn badly in the past for trusting people. He's given me good reasons for all sorts of things, but I don't believe them by force of habit. He seems genuine, but so many people enjoy seeming genuine and leading me on, making me think I'd really found someone worth my time...doing it just for fun...it's not worth getting upset over, it's not worth getting my hopes up over.
God I'm a cynic. I can't help it; caution is the best way to live. Everyone's lying, everyone's out to get me. Everyone will revel in the pain they know they can cause me with a simple word, a simple action, or a simple omission of both.
Don't blame me for not trusting you; blame yourself for screwing me over until I'm too scared to trust anymore. Don't blame me for being negative; blame yourself for keeping me from seeing the good in anyone. Don't blame me for being afraid of your laughter; blame yourself for laughing at me once to often.
Good. Now I'm nice and depressed again. I'm going to go to bed, think this over, and try and figure out what the purpose of getting up to get murdered with a nasty swimming practice tomorrow is. I'll let you know if I figure it out.
Thank you, and goodnight.